O Lord, you have searched me and known me.
You know when I am worn down and ticked off.
You discern my thoughts from far away.
(To be fair, you made that kind of easy when you made my face to show ALL THE THOUGHTS, all the time…)
You give me work to do and you remind me to rest.
Even though you know I don’t often listen.
(I’m so tired right now.)
Even before a word is on my tongue,
especially a salty one,
O Lord, you know it completely.
(Why did you have to give me access to such wonderfully sassy words?)
You work in me, on me, through me and in spite of me.
You keep working on me.
Sometimes that’s overwhelming.
Your love doesn’t make sense.
Because I know what a mess I am and you know what a mess I am and I know that you know what I mess I am, and still, you keep showing up for and in and through me.
I avoid you. I hide. I walk away. I spit in your face. I dismiss and deny you.
Or sometimes I am just lazy about you. And faith. And thinking about you and faith.
You keep showing up.
You keep sending good people my way.
You keep offering me good work to do.
You keep making me smile.
Even when I really, really don’t want to.
(Because you know how I feel about smiling on command.)
No one else knows the deep, scary places where I can and do dwell.
No one else knows the extent of my doubt, fear, or laziness.
No one else knows how much I need you.
So, go ahead. (I can’t believe I’m saying this.) See it all. Know my heart. Reside in my ugliness. Make a home in my wandering. Embrace my ego. Soak all of this up.
And keep showing up.
Keep loving me.
Keep guiding me.
Ever closer to you.
Ever closer to the you in me.
-Adapted from Psalm 139:1-12, 23-24, the RCL Psalm reading for Proper 11A
The Rev. Erin Counihan serves as pastor at Oak Hill Presbyterian Church (PCUSA) in St. Louis, MO and is a contributor to the RevGals book. She blogs (sometimes) at http://www.somewhatreverend.wordpress.com.
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