oS8IUQsIs it weird that I kind of look forward to opening up my church email each morning? These little electronic messages are filled with so much possibility! Maybe someone is offering a generous gift to the church or sharing an insight from Sunday’s sermon. Maybe there is an invitation to a fabulous event or a “yes” to a request I sent out the day before.

Or maybe there’s a “no” and a comment about how I “need more Jesus” in my sermons and an invitation to a mediocre event that I don’t want to attend but probably should because . . . I’m the pastor.

So, yeah. Emails are a mixed bag. And unfortunately, you can’t be sure what you’re getting into until you open them. Here are a few examples of email subject lines that look promising, but will probably turn out to be disappointing:

Subject Line: Bibles

What I imagine the email might say:

Dear Pastor,
I am really excited to spend my birthday money on a new Bible that I can study and cherish for the rest of my life. I’m a little confused about all of the different translations available and wondered if you have any recommendations. Thanks!

What the email probably says:

Hey.
Nobody ordered the third grade Bibles and we need to give them out this Sunday. Can you drive to that Christian Bookstore sixty miles away to get them? I would, but I don’t want to.

 

Subject Line: Volunteering

What I imagine the email might say:

Pastor,
I have been prayerfully considering my spiritual gifts and feel called to serve the church more intently. I would love to serve wherever the church needs me most. I hope we can talk soon about how I can step up and serve God and our community through the important work of this congregation.

What the email probably says:

I just really don’t feel like having to get up early on Sundays anymore. Please take me off of the worship set-up volunteer list.

Subject Line: Tonight’s Meeting

What I imagine the email might say:

Joanna, I plan to bring homemade brownies to our meeting tonight. I wanted to let you and the other committee members know how much I appreciate your faithful work for the church.

What the email probably says:

I saw the meeting agenda and I don’t think we should do anything that is proposed there and I hope you’re planning on a long meeting tonight because I have A LOT TO SAY!

Or, alternately:

Shoot. I forgot about the meeting and I have another thing tonight. Can you send me the notes later?

 

Subject Line: Holy pipes     

What I imagine the email might say:

Dear Pastor,
We went to a Native American History Museum on our vacation and I was intrigued by the peace pipes on display. I thought maybe I could reach out to the local indigenous community and see if someone would come talk to our Sunday School class about how we can support efforts toward indigenous justice. What do you think?

What the email probably says:

There’s a leak under the kitchen sink. Someone needs to call a plumber.

 


Rev. Joanna Harader serves as pastor of Peace Mennonite Church in Lawrence, KS. She is currently posting a daily Lenten prayer resource on her blog, Spacious Faith.


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2 thoughts on “Wits’ Ends Day: Email Fantasies

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