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There are words inside of me,
challenging, difficult words
emotional, reactive words
words that reveal my fear
words that rise up again
because I am confronted
with old emotions, long resolved –
or so I thought –
which need to be worked through
again.

What do I do with these words?
If I keep them inside will they fester?
If I say them out loud will they
be heard as a hope to deepen understanding
and not just complaining or whining or
being the kind of person who keeps
bleeding out words of pain –
you know that kind of pain,
over and over until we all
wonder when that person
will grow up and gain insight
and maturity and maybe some
reconciliation.

Yeah. Those words.
And those feelings.

Sure. I can hand the words
over to God.
I can do my part to be
fully aware of their impact on me,
the way that the words are honest
and real.

And the way that words are reactive
and immature and reveal work still
to be done.

What to do with these words?

I cannot say them out loud.
I cannot put them in writing,
at least not publicly.

The words themselves
are too risky, too vulnerable
connected to an old pain,
an old hurt,
a place where that hurt
could be hurt again,
because the person
of this hurt
has the power to do that
to me,
and so
the words and
a place inside
that has been
reactivated.

A place I thought I’d put behind me,
but has been ripped open again.

I can only put them into prayer.
These are words for God only.
With the hope that God
will transform these words
of fear and despair
into peace.

I have work to do,
which begins today,
and will be work
for years to come.

And only God can
help me with it.

Amen.

The Rev. Terri C. Pilarski is an Episcopal priest serving a parish in Dearborn, Michigan. She’s been a member of RevGalBlogPals since 2006 and blogs at Seeking Authentic Voice.

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