I’m tired, frustrated, and angry.
And you come over here with, “do not let your hearts be troubled.”
With the gun violence, the racism, the inequity all around us,
The pandemic, so much illness, the people losing jobs and businesses,
The leadership, the lack of leadership, the non-stop drama from leadership.
And I am trapped in this house and I miss my dear ones and it’s all a lot, and it’s so very much.
And you come back to me with, “do not let your hearts be troubled.”
My heart IS troubled.
My heart is broken.
My heart is stressed out.
My heart is so incredibly mad.
And I want to be faithful. And I want to be hopeful. And I certainly want to be helpful.
But my heart….
And I just keep reading you saying, “do not let your hearts be troubled.”
I try to keep listening to you saying, “do not let your hearts be troubled.”
I remember preaching all about you saying, “do not let your hearts be troubled.”
But I’m sitting here, with this actually troubled heart, and….
Okay. So, how about this?
I will stay put. I will listen and I will keep reading. Oh, and I will keep ranting at you. But I will sit right here with my aching, troubled heart, all mad at the world (and kinda mad at you) and I will keep trying. Because I do believe you do show up. Even with my angry, troubled heart, I keep believing it.
(Could you please show up now, though?)
*Prayer written while working on worship prep for this Sunday, using John 14:1-14.
The Rev. Erin Counihan serves as pastor at Oak Hill Presbyterian Church (PCUSA) in St. Louis, MO.
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