Holy Holder of All Time-

There exists in my mind a loop of the
Stupid thing I said that one time,
Without thinking it through,
And it wasn’t the worst thing,
But it definitely wasn’t the best thing
And it won’t go away.

And I can’t forget the thing
That I knew I should have done
And I wrote on my to-do list many times.
It was the centerpiece of many of self-administered pep talk
And the subject of much urging by the Spirit,
But my fear of failure, among other things,
Means it remains undone and the time has passed,
But the guilt-tinged specter of The Thing Undone remains.

Then there’s the thing, that time, when I DID know better,
but I didn’t do better
Because I was tired and overwhelmed and old tropes slipped in
And then it was out and I can’t reel back in and
Even when I am truly repentant,
It is obvious that old tapes and wrong lessons still have a hold on me
And are a magnet when I’m stressed.

Thus, I can barely pull together a confession for today
As I am still overwhelmed by what was done and left undone
Yesterday and months ago and even in years past.


In your mercy, I need more than assurance of pardon
And aid in correct living,
But also the grace to forgive myself and to hold these lessons lightly,
While releasing my shame.

Amen.


The Reverend Julia Seymour serves Big Timber Lutheran Church (ELCA)  in Big Timber, MT. She blogs sometimes at lutheranjulia.blogspot.com and readsallthethings.com. She serves on the board of RevGalBlogPals, Inc. and is working on a book about the fruits of the Spirit. 


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